Wanting to Know My Neighbors

Article Written By: Kara Zimmerman

Kara in the purple coat is surrounded by her neighbors who have become her friends.

My husband Dave and I moved here about twelve years ago from Illinois, where I had lived my whole life. I left everything I knew and was comfortable with to move here, and though I knew it was the right thing for us, I had a really hard time. I had no clients for my therapy practice, no friends, and nothing to do. I felt alone, like no one knew me or cared to know me. I felt lost.

Even our neighborhood didn't feel friendly. Our next door neighbor at the time would be sitting on his porch, I'd wave and say hi, and he'd immediately go back inside. That felt terrible.

I eventually decided to take it into my own hands- I planned a neighborhood potluck. My husband and I dropped off flyers at the doors on the houses surrounding us, and it surprisingly was a huge success! I love to bake and cook for people, and I started celebrating national food holidays. I would bring our neighbors chocolate chip cookies on National Chocolate Chip Cookie Day. I started bringing roses and treats to neighbors on Valentine's Day, paying special attention to people who are widowed, divorced or single. Then during COVID we started doing driveway parties. We'd set up a table or two in our driveway and invite people to come by and enjoy some food and time together. We would do hot chocolate on New Year's Eve. We did a Chicago hot dog party, ice cream parties, welcome to the summer parties, a COS I Love You service project party, and "just because" parties. Two years ago we did a ten years in Colorado Springs party and got to celebrate with all of the neighbors and friends who have made our lives better here. Many of these neighbors have lived here for 20-30 years and never met each other, and now they have! Now they know each other's names!

As a therapist, I am very, very concerned about the increased loneliness, isolation, depression, and lack of connection that I see in our community and country. It feels like sometimes I am the main person some of my clients talk to, share their life and struggles with, or even see on a consistent basis. My clients are amazing, smart, kind people with a lot to offer, but some I've met with over the years feel like no one truly cares about them. Many, many people—even high functioning people—feel alone and unseen and unknown. There is a serious lack of belonging. I think this is getting worse, not better. A repeated refrain I hear is that people feel they are the only ones who ever initiate, and eventually they just give up. This all makes me so sad.

With the professional boundaries of my work as a therapist, I only get to help my clients in our sessions and there isn't much I can practically do to help them with loneliness. But these driveway parties and touchpoints were something I could do for the people immediately around me in my neighborhood. I absolutely do not want my neighbors to feel like they don't matter, that no one cares about them.

Over time, we have seen really cool things in our neighborhood- people sharing ideas, tools, surgery experiences, kids becoming friends, neighbors going on walks together, requests for help, and sharing celebrations. We have shared lawnmowers, taken care of each other's pets, gotten each other's mail, watered each other's flowers, brought meals when people were sick or had a new baby. Because of the driveway parties, my husband and I have been seen as safe people to brand new neighbors when an elderly person fell in their home and they needed help getting her to a hospital. We have been able to be there for the good times and the deeply hard times and it is such an honor to be trusted and let in.

There, of course, are some people who aren't interested in knowing their neighbors. I understand this, as an introvert myself, and as a therapist who works with hurting people. But I'm always hoping that, with a no-pressure, outdoors-in-the-driveway, don't-bring-anything-just-come-by-for-a-treat invitation, people will eventually try it. So far, all eventually started coming by.

Except one house. I'd met them when they moved in as we introduced ourselves and brought cookies, and I told them we do neighborhood parties several times a year and they are always welcome. I had dropped off multiple invitations on their door and left treats with a note several times too. They never came, so I decided I should probably just back off and stop asking to not be pushy.

But as we were setting up for our most recent driveway party, one of the people from that house got home. As they got out of their car, I summoned up my courage and ran over. I introduced myself again, pointed to our tables in the driveway, and said we were doing another driveway party and we'd love if they stopped by, but no pressure. They thanked me, quickly went back into their house, and did not come to the party. But a few days later our doorbell rang and I opened it and there was that neighbor, handing me a plate of homemade cookies!!! They shared what sweetly felt like maybe a rehearsed speech, something like "I am sorry I'm a grumpy grouch and don't interact with people. But I want you to know how much I appreciate you always including and inviting us." They even hugged me! I couldn't believe it. They left quickly, but I was so surprised and touched.

This all has been deeply meaningful and encouraging to me. I know many other neighborhoods do similar things, and I LOVE that our city has been encouraging neighborhood gatherings and tables, with the goal of improving mental health and connection and decreasing loneliness.

I hope people will take simple steps to engage their neighborhood.

Walk around the block. Show interest in people's pets, kids, yards.

Maybe get a little fire pit and sit in your front yard instead of the backyard. Notice things: Does someone look like they are going to have a new baby? Offer to bring them a meal. Are you seeing someone less often? Check in. Ask small questions. Get to know your neighbor's names (and immediately write them down so you don't forget!)

In a book I wish everyone would read—How to Know a Person by David Brooks—he talks about how he has come to believe that the quality of our lives and the health of our society largely depends on how well we treat each other in the minute interactions of our daily lives. I really believe this is true. He says that the foundational skill we all need is the ability to understand what someone is going through, and I think WANTING to understand and to really see someone and make them feel seen and like they are valued, heard, and understood is one of the most important things. We all crave authentic connection. Taking one small, but courageous step in your neighborhood could have a surprising impact!